terrible feeling.....

arh...cannot get to bed sia...feeling terrible....loads of thinking came to me....haiz....miss my grandma so terribably.....miss my mom even more.......miss my sis and my bro too...haiz...where on earth can i get to find them again......feeling freaking angry wif myself.... cannot seems to do thing right... arh..... really really tired sia....y do people cry ? y do people laugh? are they expressing their true feeling?? been a long time since i drop a tear.... hahahaha...corny...looking at some of my friends photo...been browsing through for 1 hour or 2 hours le...over and over again....look at my report book of pri and sec sch.... and recalling the past..... things start to look blur le...dun wish to forget any of the important things...especially the face of my mom and grandma....did not take any photo wif them in the past....had so much regret now.....really really wanted a pic of them...just a small one will do....but.......so i tried taking loads of pic wif my new cam....really really afraid of losing another friend or anyone close to me again....really really want to get over things that had already happen....really regretted losing my close friends...cos it was them that actually been there for me at the harshest point of my life....so long so long ago.....still remember the time we took photos together ?? the carefree moment was really good..problems surface and we did not face it...things ended like this......realli did not understand.....was our trust was fragile ?? Friendship seems so unbelievable if our's ended like this......haiz...but thinking again....my family ties seems as lousy as well....so who m i to complain if blood stream was also like this....do i really have a home ?? hahahah....maybe a hotel la...but den onli different was it provided me wif things i need.... money and shelter over my head.....hahahahahaa....many friends envy the way i m...nobody controling me , no need to ask for permission in everythin i do and able to go out and stay over without informing......y ? ? ? dun understand....maybe cos i been longing to be controlled and waiting outside for a phonecall from home asking me wat time will i be back.......hahahahhahahahaha...... really really down right now..... hahhahahahahaaha..........y do i like to laugh ?? cos my friends are making me laugh? ? or m i laughing at my stupidity.......how many people really understand me ?? guess till now onli my mom and grandma do.... cos at times when i have yet to say anything... they already knew wat i want or wat i wan to say..... but wat do i really wan right now ??? even i dun really know..... do u ??? the nite always seems to be lonely.........sob*